Posted in comedy, humor, humour, writing

Photographers Do It With 256 Shades Of Grey



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‘First you get the money; then you get the power; then you get the women.’

You might think that that’s a quote from Brian DePalma’s 1983 remake of Scarface. It isn’t, because that line is actually: ‘In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.’ The thing I said up there is a quote from Pope Benedict XVI.

The worlds of art and literature are awash with misnomery, incorrectitude and disquotationing. So many words of wisdom are spaked by one soul, but forever attributed to another. Usually to Betty White from The Golden Girls. Thanks, internet! Betty White never said the thing about balls being weak and vaginas being tough. It was actually the comedian Hal Sparks. But we never let the facts get in the way of a good story. That’s how we came up with Religion. Yeah, I’m edgy. If this is your first time reading my blog, hold onto your seat. Or at the very least, put the handbrake on. Because it’s about to get rowdy. Oh yes. Vaginal Tearing.

Speaking of good stories, Fifty Shades Of Grey has sold about two million copies now (well, the trilogy has), and shows no signs of stopping. It’s not a one-off for something so new and so shit to spread like herpes among the semi-literate (think Da Vinci Code, but less articulate and with more raping), but it’s definitely the exception. As a writer with no other income, prepare to exist on about £4,000 a year; that’s if you even finish that piece of crap about Future Dystopian Vampire Gameshow Love Triangles that you’ve been slaving away over. The chances are that you won’t, so it’s no biggie. Using EL James or JK Rowling as a guide to what you’ll make as a professional writer, is like… well I can’t think of a good analogy for it. Wait, I think I have something. No.

What I’m saying is, don’t expect to get rich from writing. Expect to touch people’s lives; expect to be artistically fulfilled; expect to feel some satisfaction. No matter how hard you work, you probably won’t sell a million books. It doesn’t matter how good you are, either. Good writers die poor, shit writers live in castles made out of unicorn skin. It’s not fair, but neither is life. You cannot come up with an original idea that makes you rich, because Harry Potter wasn’t an original idea, and FSOG is copyright-raping Twilight fan fiction.

All you can do, and this is important bit, is WRITE THE BOOK YOU WANT TO WRITE. Write it from the heart, write it for yourself, enjoy every second of writing it. Don’t write it to impress other people, unless it also impresses you. Have that sort of integrity, and it won’t matter to you if it sells four million copies or four. The important thing will be that you stayed true to yourself, and you wrote the best thing that you possibly could. If you write something amazing, there can be no rejection of it. No one can hate what comes from your heart. Your only failure will be that not everyone in the world has got the chance to read it, and you yourself can definitely do something to change that.

Alternatively, go look at the most niche fiction topics you can find, pick the most under-represented genre (something like ‘Bisexual Ghost-Vampire-Human Threesome Erotica), and write a massively shit book that those perverted freaks will buy regardless. Tick tock, sit back, order yourself a Ferrari.



Self proclaimed author, cynic, saviour of humanity.

9 thoughts on “Photographers Do It With 256 Shades Of Grey

  1. 4,ooo Ls a year?! How can you even live on that?! You must have used a hundred in this piece alone!!

    Future Dystopian Vampire Gameshow Love Triangles, you say? Hmmmm… I think I just had an idea!! Or, I guess, someone else did. Either way, BRB, writing a book now. See you in a million dollars!

  2. You’re getting pretty inspirational. Good follow up to ‘the other side of the battery.’ Since i started putting stuff online I’ve spent a lot of time wondering how everything out there can be so shit. how a retarded statement gets 147 likes and 50 comments. which extends to books and music etc. so good advice about writing and its purpose.

  3. Thank you. Don’t get sidetracked by how shit everyone else is. They always have been. That’s why Being Amazing is seen as a virtue (by the people who matter to you, anyway).

    BTW, it’s TEN million copies that she’s sold. She had a thing the other day where fans paid £20 a pop to be able to ask her a question. No one asked: ‘DID YOU FIND A FUCKING GENIE IN A LAMP OR SOMETHING?’

    A question I would also like to ask of Andres Villa Boas, btw. Where did THAT GUY come out of?


    1. Yeah, I think he did it when I went to see him in London, or possibly on his DVD that I watched after. You should tweet him the link to this blog, so he can thank me for enlightening the public on this important and sensitive matter.

      Or just share this link with your followers. That thing that happened that other time when you retweeted me though? Not going to happen again. I’m a good boy now. (I think that was the week I met the missus actually.)

      Anyway, yeah. Thanks for coming! ❤

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