Posted in comedy, humor, humour, Uncategorized, writing

Writing A Novel Is Like Making Love To A Beautiful Woman [a blog] #whatiwrite

No one looks like this. Ever.
No one looks like this. Ever.

Well, that’s a little specific. And wrong. I was just trying to make a Swiss Toni/Fast Show reference, because I’m old. Making love to a beautiful woman is a whole other metaphor of analogies. Writing is like having sex.  And here are the reasons why. Bear with me, it’s going to get tortured in here.

– When you’re terrible at writing novels, it doesn’t put you off doing it. And, most of the time, you have no idea. If one person doesn’t like your writing, there are billions of people who might. That person is probably just wrong.

– If your skill at writing hasn’t improved since you were thirteen, there’s a good chance that no one has ever sat you down and told you the hard facts. So, you’ll probably continue in that vein until you actually die. You’ll be dead, and still oblivious to how awful you are.

– When you’re a writer, you secretly believe that everyone else around you who is also writing is effing crap at it, and you’re the bestest. Most of the time, you keep this opinion to yourself, but it’s always there.

– A lot of the time, your novels finish way before the reader is entirely satisfied, leaving them with a frustrated, empty feeling, and nowhere to go.

– Sometimes, your novels are incredibly long and boring, leaving the reader wishing for an end to it. And possibly a bit sore.

– If your writing is only meant for a specific type of person, the chances of different people picking up your books and having a flick through are minimal. And, even then, they’ll probably hate them.

– If you have a really shitty cover, no one is going to want to pick the thing up.

– The worse your writing is, the more cringey is it for other people to watch you try to sell yourself to potential readers.

– People who hated your earlier work will seldom give your books another go. Once bitten, and all that.

– You take five star reviews as gospel, and assume people giving you one star were on their period or something.

– The entire way through writing your novel, you have no idea if it’s any good, you are plagued with self doubt and insecurity. Then, when you publish, there’s an enormous climax of pleasure, and the waiting starts. When that first positive feedback starts to come through, you can finally relax, your self-esteem filling up like the bottom of an hourglass. The self-loathing in you temporarily whitewashed by solicited compliments which you know in your heart of hearts are tailored to massage your desperate, fragile little ego.

Okay, the last one might have just been about me.

Go read the book! It’s awesome!

(Here are a couple of reviews to make you want to)

Gripping the whole way through, 3 Sep 2013
This review is from: Girl Afraid: A Novel (Kindle Edition)

“After reading the Debut book The Boys Of Summer I could not wait to see what Ciaran West would produce for his second novel and it did not disappoint!

His writing style in Girl Afraid is totally different but totally gripping. From the moment Alice receives a phone call right to the last page I could not put this book down. It takes you to the most seedy places on the internet you could imagine.

The way he switches between Alices fight to get Poppy back, and Poppy telling her story is seamless and you really do wonder if it could get any more disturbing (I will let you find out for yourself if it does!!)

Some of the story lines immediately make you think of real life things that have happened and for me this made the suspense even more unbearable. It really does make you question could this happen in real life??

I only put the book down as I literately could not keep my eyes open any longer, but as soon as I woke the next morning I reached for it and didn’t(couldn’t)put it down again until I had finished it.

What more can I say? This book will not disappoint, it will have you gripped from beginning to end, and I now can’t wait to see what this very talented author comes up with next!”

Fantastic thriller you won’t be able to put down…even if you want to, September 4, 2013
This review is from: Girl Afraid: A Novel (Kindle Edition)

“The best thrillers keep you up way past your bedtime–to those last minutes reading in bed, bleary-eyed, trying to slap yourself awake so you can keep going just one more page. Girl Afraid is one of those books. I was blown away by West’s second outing (The Boys of Summer is a great first effort), and unprepared for how drawn in I would be to this heart-pounding child kidnapping. I’m not going to hold back here; the subject matter in Girl Afraid is at times, sickening. As the mother of young children, I had to step away from the story at least twice, because the goings-on were completely terrifying. But, I simply couldn’t stay away. I had to find out what happened, not only to the child in question, but also to each of the other characters…both good guys and bad. Every person is interesting; his or her own motivations push forward with the same pulsing beat as the kidnapping itself. The terrifying reality of our world in this “age of the internet” is explored to its darkest corners; its most depraved inhabitants make their intentions and desires known…and all we can do is try to hold on to hope for one little girl, and for ourselves.

Simply put, Girl Afraid is enthralling. Read it now.”

 

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Self proclaimed author, cynic, saviour of humanity.

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