Posted in comedy, humor, humour, writing

A Blog Where I Talk About Myself As If I Fucking Matter Or Something! #whatiwrite

If you liked Pimp My Nymph #1 Faerie Slave Fuck, you’ll LOVE this!

 

When in search of love, there are two types of people you should avoid:

1)People who blame all of their relationship failures on the other person, and are friends with none of their exes. These people are cunts. They will take your kid to Australia and tell the police that you raped them.

2) People who blame all of their relationship failures on themselves, and are friends with all of their exes. These people are whores. They are still sleeping with all of their exes, and they’ve already given you the clap.

My new book is not better than my first one. And yet, in so many ways it is. You have to learn lessons from the first one, otherwise there is no point. The reception from people who felt the urge to write me some reviews was amazing. I can’t even think of it now, in case I do a cry. You can check for yourself over there <—– on the links to the ‘praise’ and ‘reviews’ pages. The commercial reception was, well, I am not a millionaire. It is hard to sell a book that isn’t genre fiction, because no one finds it in a search. You might think that Fantasy, Sci-Fi and Paranormal Romance are categories overflowing with too much content, but at least if you write that sort of thing, people can happen upon you in a search. The biggest selling book of last year was 50 Shades of Grey, with 4.3 million units sold. You know what the second biggest was? Bared To You: A Crossfire Novel, with 520,000 units. That’s half a million books sold PURELY on the premise that ‘If you liked FSOG, you’ll love this!’ Cheap, petty, but it worked. And Silvia Day can feel no shame; her book was technically much better than James’ one. And it’s not like she banged it out in two weeks to cash in.

My first book wasn’t exactly niche. Everyone I pitched it to in person said that it would be the sort of book they’d like to read. It covered some universal themes (friendship, mystery, growing up) and although the slang thing threw some people, I wouldn’t call it inaccessible. But these are tough times in publishing. An agent has to take a chance on you, because they have to pitch it to a publisher who has to shell out money on you. Books don’t make a lot of money in general, and Mr Agent is only going to see 10-15% of anything you make. So you can see why they might be cautious about picking up a novel that doesn’t immediately scream ‘RETARDS WILL FUCKING LOVE THIS, LOL. RETARDS WITH MONEY TO SPEND’ in the first four paragraphs. That’s why for my second book, accessibility and commercial appeal are two things I wanted to concentrate on. Well, to begin with anyway.

I’m someone who has a little bit of integrity, I’d like to think. So it’s very hard for me to deliberately write something retarded in order to make money. I couldn’t live with the shame. This isn’t even my real name, for fuck’s sake; and I’m still uncomfortable with people reading a novel of mine and thinking ‘Well now, that’s just stupid.’ I’m fine with them not liking it; that’s just taste. What I’m not fine with, is people thinking that I didn’t put my very heart and soul into it. So, although Girl Afraid starts out as a relentless, Simon Kernick style, balls-out chase thriller, I am trying to fill it with real characters. I don’t want people to read it and then forget it. I want them to think about it long after, like I do with my favourite books or films. Th Boys of Summer had real characters in it. It also had a mix of quiet reflection, shocks and fast-paced action. That’s the goal- to try and create something that has a bit of everything. Hence why I don’t write genre fiction.

I don’t know if I will ever see my books on the shelf at a book store. No matter how good you are, the element of good fortune still plays a huge part. You still need that big break; that chance happening where someone important sees your stuff and decides to invest in you. In the last ten or so years, that big break thing has become more important than ever. Everyone is just a good X-Factor audition or a stint on Big Brother away from having their penis used as a lollipop by Page 3 girls. Artistic Integrity seems a sort of silly thing in comparison. But it’s really important. Bill Hicks was very into it. He carried on playing small venues up and down the country, feeling the buzz, trying out new material. He wanted to express himself without censorship or having to bow to commercial sponsors. And he got to be who he wanted to be, with no compromises. Then again, he didn’t have to worry about his pension.

Girl Afraid is part kidnap drama, part tragic love story, part uncomfortable flesh crawler, part techno-thriller, part hilarious knockabout comedy. Only one of those is not true. I want people to buy it, and then I want them to buy Boys of Summer, and I want them to tell their friends that they ‘actually preferred his first one; it’s more of a character piece…’ because they’re pretentious fucking arseholes. And I won’t even care, because I’ll already have their pretentious arsehole money. Well, 70% of it. 35% in some territories. With 30% of that withheld by the IRS.

STILL THOUGH.

 

 

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Self proclaimed author, cynic, saviour of humanity.

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