Posted in comedy, humor, humour, writing

How I Explained The Election To My Ten Year Old #whatiwrite #election2012

Grrrrrr! Raaaaa!

Me: So the blue states are the ones who’ll be voting Democrat, the red will be Republican

Child: Isn’t that the wrong way around?

M: Only for Britain. In the USA, the evil ones are in red.

C: The reds are winning.

M: You’d think that, wouldn’t you? But a lot of the blue states are very small, so it’s actually neck and neck.

C: Why do people in small states vote for the blue?

M: Because the people in bigger states are stupid.

C: Why?

M: Bigger states have farms and stuff. And trailer parks.

C: But I thought poor people liked Obama?

M: Not if they’re stupid poor people. Or white ones.

C: That’s racist.

M: It isn’t, but they are.

C: So why do they vote for the rich party if they are poor? Did that man promise to give them money?

M: You’d think, right? No. He promised to take away their free medicine.

C: But why would they want that?

M: He convinced them that having free healthcare would make them all even poorer. Because it would mean more tax.

C: But if they get sick?

M: They’ll probably die.

C: That’s mental.

M: Yeah, but then that’s just us looking in from the outside. If you lived in America all of your life and never had free healthcare, then that’s what you’re used to. People don’t like change.

C: Barack Obama likes change. It said it on his thing.

M: He does, and he likes the idea of a having a country that looks after its people. Socialism, like we used to have here with Labour.

C: And the red ones don’t like Socialism?

M: No. They call it Communism, and try to scare people about it.

C: What’s Communism?

M: Communism is what liars call Socialism.

C: What are the yellow states?

M: They are the bellweather states; the swing states.

C: Do they vote for the Liberal Democrats?

M: No, they vote differently all the time. They’re full of people who don’t follow any party. Same as your dad.

C: I thought you voted for the Liberal party.

M: No, I’m quite liberal. But I vote for whoever is the best man for the job.

C: Or the best woman.

M: Yes. Or Boris Johnson.

C: What’s that one?

M: That’s Florida.

C: Is that full of people who don’t follow anyone?

M: I’m not sure. In 2000, that was the one which caused all the bother. It’s run by President Bush’s brother, I think.

C: So that would be a red state?

M: Yeah. But it’s yellow today. I’m not sure why.

C: Maybe they just all changed their minds.

M: I think maybe it’s that lots of them are black or Cuban or from South America, maybe. I haven’t done the research. I know there’s a lot of old people living there, and Old Folk hate the blacks. And the gays. So…

C: Not ALL old people!

M: Hmmmm. Yeah, not the black old people. Or the gay ones.

C: Why does it say ’29’ on it?

M: Am, it’s complicated. Here, we have constituencies and seats and whatnot. And they have that too in America; there are elections for their Houses of Parliament as well as for the Presidency. But there are these things called electoral college votes-

C: Like when they close our school on Election Day so people can come and vote?

M: Not quite. But anyway, if you get 270 of those votes, you get to be the president.

C: Only 270? But there’s like a billion people in America.

M: I think it’s more like 350,000,000 but they aren’t just one person’s vote. I would explain it more if I knew what I was talking about.

C: So why don’t people want Obama to be president again?

M: Well, half of them do.

C: What about the other ones though. Is it just because they like the red party?

M: It sort of is. Also, there’s the idiot thing, and on top of that, some people think that he is all about looking cool and being funny, so they don’t think he is focused on his job. And because they’re racists.

C: But you said he was a good president.

M: Yeah, but that’s just one person’s opinion. The beauty of a democracy is that everyone gets one vote and one say. Even stupid people.

C: And racists

M: And homophobic people.

C: Why do those people not like Obama?

M: Well, because he said that he is in favour of gay marriage. Although he used to not be, officially. He just sort of changed his mind.

C: Why?

M: Well, some people say to win votes. But I think that it lost him a lot more votes. Gay people only make up 10% of the country, and they were pretty much used to politicians not being able to come out and say that they supported them. I think if there were yellow state people who might have voted for him, they could have changed their mind if they didn’t agree with gays marrying.

C: So does he like gays or not?

M: I think that he was always in favour of it. I just don’t think the country was ready to hear it. I still think that a lot of them aren’t ready. I think he was actually very brave.

C: It’s none of our business anyway.

M: You’re right, it isn’t. It’s such a silly thing. What about abortion though. That’s another thing.

C: What does Obama think about that?

M: He says that he supports a woman’s right to choose an abortion.

C: And is it illegal or legal in America?

M: I think the law is different in each state. But I guess it’s legal in some places.

C: Why is it illegal?

M: Because some people, religious people usually, think it’s killing someone.

C: Is it?

M: I don’t think that’s for you or me to say.

C: Don’t they hang murderers in America?

M: I don’t think they hang them, but in some states they execute them, yes.

C: Isn’t that murder as well?

M: Again, I don’t think me and you get to decide.

C: So, in the places where it’s illegal to do an abortion, do they execute the women who get one?

M: Not yet, but who knows?

C: America is mental

M: Yeah, but they might think we’re mental too, if they came over here.

C: Because we have free health? Would they be all like, ‘OH MY GOD, COMMUNISM!’

M: You’re not too far off.

C: I think they’d be happy about it if they got sick though.

M: Yeah, but you can’t wish that on someone. No matter how good your intentions.

C: Not even on the racists?

M: Well, maybe them. And the stupid people.

C: So who is going to win?

M: Hopefully, President Obama. As long as people bother to vote.

C: Why wouldn’t they vote?

M: Some people think it’s a bit pointless and they don’t care who wins. Some people think their guy is going to win anyway, so they don’t vote, and then he gets beaten by the other guy.

C: Like on X-Factor?

M: Pretty much exactly like that.



Self proclaimed author, cynic, saviour of humanity.

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