Posted in comedy, humor, humour, writing

You Can’t Give Up The Day Job If You Don’t Fucking Have One #whatiwrite

“Tori Black, you say? Hmmmm. No, I don’t think I’m familiar with her work…”

 

I have never had a passion that I could put my finger on. Unless you count vaginas. That’s what Hugh Hefner does, when he can’t get to sleep. He counts vaginas. Geddit?  Anyway, a passion- people always say to me that writing must be my passion. I don’t think it is. Most days I have to force myself to do it. And yet, on the days that I do force myself, BANG! I’m writing all sorts of shit. Blogs, short stories, the new book (IT’S COMING, DON’T WORRY), recipes, character assassinations, sex texts, everything. Is it still a passion if you have to force yourself to do it? Ask your fucking wife.

Everyone should have a passion. Your passion is the number one thing that makes you attractive, according to some survey that someone probably did. Women in a particular love a man with a passion. Sure, they probably love a man whose passion is say, brain surgery, a little more than a man whose passion is Making Papier-Mâché Vaginas, but that’s just economics. The point is, you should love doing something, or else you might as well be dead.

Some passions are bad. If you can name more than thirty adult film actresses off the top of your head, you probably have a bad passion. If you get into arguments on the internet about who would win in a fight between Thor and the Hulk, citing specific story arcs from Avengers comics over the years, your passion is probably not a useful one. Well, unless you meet a hot comic book-loving girl who loves healthy debate. Then you can marry her, because what’s a marriage without arguments? An engagement, that’s what it is.

Of course, your passion should not consume you, if you ever want to pursue such far-fetched dreams as Paying Rent or Buying Food. If it’s not something that comes with a pay cheque, your passion is going to have to fit around your life and your job, or vice versa. My passion (remember, the one I don’t really like and have to stick electrodes in my balls in order to kick start?) doesn’t bear enough dollar-shaped fruit for me to be able to call it my job. This is due to a number of things: I hate money, I hate doing stuff, I can name forty adult film actresses off the top of my head. That sort of thing. So I’m looking for a job on the side. And by ‘on the side’, I mean ‘for forty hours a week’. It’s one thing writing flights of fancy; it’s a whole other thing attempting to live in one.

Will my writing suffer? Fuck no, it won’t. Of the six or seven hours a day that I supposedly devote to my writing, about four of them are devoted entirely to Trying To Keep Awake, Staring Blankly At An Empty Screen, or Watching The Collective Works Of John Hughes With My Hand In My Underpants. If I’m lucky, I get two hours of actual writing done. And those are two hours I could have spare after a day down the mines or at the coalface, or whatever it is people do nowadays for work.

The most important thing though about working a normal job, with regards to being a writer, is that you get to experience Real Life and Real People. You get to see how they interact, how they speak, how they are casually racist about pretty much any issue. And you need that, otherwise all of your character will just be Versions of You, or Versions of You with a Vagina. If you don’t believe me, read any fucking Quentin Tarantino script.

 

 

Advertisements

Author:

Self proclaimed author, cynic, saviour of humanity.

4 thoughts on “You Can’t Give Up The Day Job If You Don’t Fucking Have One #whatiwrite

  1. In a perfect world, some wealthy (but not at all creepy) guy would just pay me to write whatever the hell I want all day. That’s probably the most alluring fantasy I have. Unfortunately, I have to settle for a job where I do actual work.

  2. It’s not the work/writing balance that’s the hardest; it’s the work/writing/rest of life type stuff like eating, sleeping, etc balance that causes the most trouble. Basically, what I’m saying is that you might find you’ve got less time for wanking. Therefore, really appreciate the wanks you’ve got left before you get your job. Like the one you just finished or the one you’re thirty seconds away from starting.
    Yours, A
    Everyone Needs an Algonquin

You're amazing! Why not say something amazing?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s