Love Will Tear You Apart, So Use Plenty Of Lube

It has come to my attention that there are men out there who cannot ejaculate with their partners. No matter what the other person tries; be it frenzied noshery, Thai-style inner wall squeezes, or hard, foul-mouthed anal scumping, Mr Stiffy he no do the snowy sneeze. Now, I don’t know about yourself, but I think I’ve spent all of my sexual life trying to become one of these guys. When I put my manager in the dugout, he’s pretty much ready to scream, right from the start. The only difference between 17 year old me and 34 year old me is the length of time I can keep the wolf from the door. And by ‘wolf’, I mean ‘lashings and lashings of white-hot Bastard Mix’, and by ‘door’ I mean ‘my sexual partner’s pulsing inner gashbits.’

I would have killed in my late teens to have a cock that was impervious to a lady’s foo-foo squidgings. Most men will tell you the same. On our list of Stuff We Want, #1 is A Bigger Penis and #2 is To Last As Long As Possible. Don’t get too smug: #3 is A More Attractive Girlfriend. That’s just Science. But, ask any lady who possesses such a man- a woman who is privy to the delights of the asbestos-coated womb broom- and what will she say? She’ll say something along the lines of ‘Blah blah blah, whinge whinge whinge, not okay, sore bits, too much, too long, blah blah blah, boo hoo, want a different one!’ I’m paraphrasing of course, as I rarely pay attention to any woman who isn’t performing some sort of table dance for me.

It doesn’t matter what you are, or who you are, or what you have. Someone somewhere is going to find something to dislike about you. There is no right or wrong, and there’s definitely no fair. You just have to deal with it. People are cunts.

‘Eww, your penis is too BIG. It hurts me. Be gentler! Pay more attention to my needs! Get my motor running! Prioritise my lubication!’
‘Eww, you never come! Am I not sexy enough for you? Are you gay? It hurts! I have thrush now! I’m sore! You should read a book about coming!’

‘Eww, you spend too much time in the gym getting big arms and a six pack! You should be here paying attention to me! I don’t know if you’re chatting up girls while you work out! I’m important too! Pay me attention! Stop neglecting me! I hate you!’

‘Eww, you’re always in my face! Don’t you have friends of your own? I need some space! Get hobby or something! Just leave me alone for five seconds!

‘You’re too funny! Women aren’t supposed to be funny! I’m the funny one! You make me feel shit! I want a girlfriend who says less stuff!’

‘You dress boring! You have a nice body, you should show it off! Other girls dress sexy! I want people to see that I can get a hottie!’

‘You dress too slutty! You should wear sweaters and jeans. That’s too much make up! Guys will hit on you! You don’t respect me! You’re a whore!’

Some people (make that ALL PEOPLE) are just impossible to please. So, next time you get a rejection letter from an agent, remember that. Also remember that if they had any talent for something other than parasitically leeching off other people, they might be writing books themselves. Books about paranormal romance.