Posted in comedy, humor, humour, writing

I Need To Improve My Blow-Job Technique

Liek dys if u crie evry tym

 

I lie of course, as per usually. I’m actually brilliant at them. Well, at receiving them anyway. Do you believe in yourself? I don’t mean in a Do You Believe In Santa Claus sort of way; I mean do you have faith in your own abilities? I do, I think. It’s hard to tell if you believe in yourself sincerely, or you’re just fucking deluded. I think either of those are better than being modest though. Modesty is one of those things which comes from the Old Religions. Like shame and and other supposed virtues, it’s just a method of controlling people and keeping them down:

No! You must never admit that you are brilliant! Else you be thought a BRAGGART! Just like: No! You must only do sex with ONE MAN! Else you be thought a SLUT! Or: No! You must consider the sperm dripping out of your vagina to be a Human Being! Else you be thought a DEMOCRAT! Just methods of oppression, not guidelines for a happy life.

If you have a talent or a gift that entertains or pleases others, you MUST share it. You have to shout about it. I don’t mean blow-jobs, btw. Although that too. Come on, it’s the 21st century. Why can’t a woman wear a t-shirt saying she gives exquisite cock-noshes, without being judged by Society? Where is the sin in being skilled at your craft? These are the questions I will ask Jesus if I ever get hit by an eighteen wheeler. That, and the whole thing about how they get the chocolate on Maltesers.

Where am I going with this? Well, I was reading my own book yesterday and I kept thinking to myself ‘This is actually really good!’ and then immediately feeling guilty for it. Why? Because Catholics, probably. But really, if you don’t think that your product is any good, how are you going to sell it to anyone? I suppose we should ask someone who works at a Kia dealership. Still though, it’s okay to like your own work. You can balance it out by hating who you are, or ridiculing your own penis size while standing naked in front of a full length mirror; clammy from an over-warm shower; shrinking inside your own wrinkled sac; crying silent tears onto your unkempt pubis.

Why the title today? Well, it’s the thought that popped into my head this morning when I looked at my bank balance. Becoming a rent boy is starting to look like an acceptable career choice. Apparently all that food I’ve been getting at the supermarket costs money, so I might have to have to rethink the whole eating thing for a bit. And the whole being a parent thing, swiftly followed by the whole having a girlfriend thing. Being an author doesn’t pay the rent, apparently. Well not until at least sixty days after the qualifying calendar month .

So what to do for money in the meantime? Well I suppose I’ll have to write for a living. It’s what I’m good at, apparently. I can just go write for magazines and newspapers. That sounds pretty easy, and there’s bound to be very little competition. Sure, I don’t have any sort of journalism degree, but that won’t matter. I’m like a really nice person, and I have a lovely smile. It’ll be fine. I think I might go ahead and order a new laptop on hire purchase. Journalists need cool laptops. I have to look the part. Yeah, it’s a lot of money, but YOLO lol. You’ve got to speculate to accumulate, as they say. Or in Latin, accumulum a speculum.

Thank God I believe in myself!

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Author:

Self proclaimed author, cynic, saviour of humanity.

4 thoughts on “I Need To Improve My Blow-Job Technique

  1. One of the things I’m proudest of is when a BJ technique I developed won “Best New Entry” at the Oral Sex Awards 1988. The shine was taken off a bit when it was banned in 15 states the following year. Still, it’s nice to know what one’s strengths are and to then be rewarded for them.
    PS. I only read this because of the Maltesers tag.
    Yours,
    Agatha
    Everyone Needs an Algonquin

  2. “But really, if you don’t think that your product is any good, how are you going to sell it to anyone? I suppose we should ask someone who works at a Kia dealership.”

    *spittake*

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