So the book is going down well with people; that’s sort of an understatement. I am genuinely overwhelmed. I wouldn’t spend half of this blog pouring scorn on deluded hack writers if I was a deluded hack writer, so every speck of praise I’m getting is both a lovely surprise, and a reassurance that I’m probably not a deluded hack writer.
Which brings me to Deluded Hack Writers. Jesus Actual Christ, guys. I’ve been on the forums at amazon, to see what the skinny is (that’s a phrase I learned from Whoopie Goldberg in Jumpin’ Jack Flash. It’s Black for something or other.), and all I see are The Worst Wannabe Authors On Earth shamelessly plugging their own terrible schlock at every possible e-opportunity. Talking about themselves in the third person- ‘Well, Darby Sloane is a writer that gets under your skin, definitely! She writes from the heart too, and has an amazing waist to hip ratio! [book link]’; claiming to be The Next Hemingway while having a post littered with some Grade School level grammatical errors, or just generally acting like their God-awful basket of pseudo-literate cockshit is an actual real novel. Fuck the fuck off, people.
The Amazon ‘Click To Look Inside’ feature is the internet’s greatest gift to mankind, because it lets people have heads-up on just how horrific your prosaic, quasi-dyslexic brainvomits are before they part company with their cash. I’m in no way saying that my book is for everyone, or that it’s going to sell twenty million copies. What I am saying is, It’s The Finished Article. It’s what I wanted to be, and I’ve gone through it a fine tooth comb to pick out the clichés. Especially ones like ‘gone through it with a fine tooth comb’. It’s not perfect, but Jesus Christ it at least has characters, a plot and a Beginning, Middle and End. Is that too much to ask from you people? You’re asking folks to part with actual cash money; money that they earned from flipping burgers or grading university papers. You might take the time to remove your head from your anus and ask yourself these questions:
Who is it about? What Happens to them? Why should anyone (other than you) care?
If you can’t answer the last one, you’re not a writer and you don’t have a book. I’m just saying this because I love you. And because you being shit gives eBooks and Self-Publishing a bad name, and it’s not fair on the people who are actually good at it. Or, yanno, on me.
Here’s my first Amazon.com five star review. It’s not by me, and it’s not by anyone I’ve had sex with. Scout’s Honour!