Posted in comedy, humor, humour, Uncategorized, writing

How To Winifreds An Dints Fluent’s Peep Elle.

The Boys Of Summer: Making Americans speak in Limerick accents since 2012

So the book is going down well with people; that’s sort of an understatement. I am genuinely overwhelmed. I wouldn’t spend half of this blog pouring scorn on deluded hack writers if I was a deluded hack writer, so every speck of praise I’m getting is both a lovely surprise, and a reassurance that I’m probably not a deluded hack writer.

Which brings me to Deluded Hack Writers. Jesus Actual Christ, guys. I’ve been on the forums at amazon, to see what the skinny is (that’s a phrase I learned from Whoopie Goldberg in Jumpin’ Jack Flash. It’s Black for something or other.), and all I see are The Worst Wannabe Authors On Earth shamelessly plugging their own terrible schlock at every possible e-opportunity. Talking about themselves in the third person- ‘Well, Darby Sloane is a writer that gets under your skin, definitely! She writes from the heart too, and has an amazing waist to hip ratio! [book link]’; claiming to be The Next Hemingway while having a post littered with some Grade School level grammatical errors, or just generally acting like their God-awful basket of pseudo-literate cockshit is an actual real novel. Fuck the fuck off, people.

The Amazon ‘Click To Look Inside’ feature is the internet’s greatest gift to mankind, because it lets people have heads-up on just how horrific your prosaic, quasi-dyslexic brainvomits are before they part company with their cash. I’m in no way saying that my book is for everyone, or that it’s going to sell twenty million copies. What I am saying is, It’s The Finished Article. It’s what I wanted to be, and I’ve gone through it a fine tooth comb to pick out the clichés. Especially ones like ‘gone through it with a fine tooth comb’. It’s not perfect, but Jesus Christ it at least has characters, a plot and a Beginning, Middle and End. Is that too much to ask from you people? You’re asking folks to part with actual cash money; money that they earned from flipping burgers or grading university papers. You might take the time to remove your head from your anus and ask yourself these questions:

Who is it about? What Happens to them? Why should anyone (other than you) care?

If you can’t answer the last one, you’re not a writer and you don’t have a book. I’m just saying this because I love you. And because you being shit gives eBooks and Self-Publishing a bad name, and it’s not fair on the people who are actually good at it. Or, yanno, on me.

Here’s my first Amazon.com five star review. It’s not by me, and it’s not by anyone I’ve had sex with. Scout’s Honour!

See the customer review

Amazon Verified Purchase
I’ve just finished this book, and I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut and left for dead. In the best possible way. You think you know where it’s going, you think you know what’s coming, but you don’t. You just… don’t. Mr. West spins a sense of unease from the opening pages, and builds it and builds it into a tangible dread and an ending so horrible and real, I may well have nightmares. My heart raced through the entire last of the story, and I could not put it down. Reminiscent, in my mind, of Stephen King at his best; so vivid, it drags you right in.It’s not all despair and darkness, though; woven throughout is the engaging and gorgeously illuminated story of narrator Richie South’s coming of age with the girl next door. These dreamlike moments interlock with the rest to make young Richard a fully relatable person, rather than a character in a novel.The Limerick slang may take a bit of getting used to, but it’s well worth the effort (and by effort, I mean taking ten seconds to google “Irish slang: (word).” Believe you me, I’m not one for having to work too hard). I look forward to many more tales from this excellent author. He’s pure rapid, shur.”
Thanks for reading the blog today, peeps! Repin it, retweet it, start the revolution here. And buy the book, because 1.3 billion Chinese people can’t be wrong.
Advertisements

Author:

Self proclaimed author, cynic, saviour of humanity.

You're amazing! Why not say something amazing?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s