Posted in comedy, humor, humour, writing

Gay Marriage, And How It Effects You’re Grammar

‘I’m afraid I have your test results, Mike. The Situation is AIDS.’

I get asked a lot of questions since I started this blog:

– when’s the fucking book out, cunt?
– why are you such an ornery little prick, anyhows?
– sentence structure, motherfucker; do you speak it?

And those are just from my Nan. I lie, of course. She’s dead. No one asks me any questions, because no one gives a fuck; and rightly so! Look around your Facebook and notice the little suggestions that come up. See those ones of a 17 year old boy with floppy hair and ironic hats? See how he has 81,000 subscribers to his posts, but you’ve never heard of him? See how all his status updates are things like ‘Hey! I love Jesus and stuff, but I think like Muslims and gays should get to go to heaven too, lol. Peace out! xD’? That guy is like 3% Internet Famous, and he’s more famous than you or I will ever be. The internet is a young person’s game. That’s all that’s on there: kiddies. Especially if you’re looking for porn on Limewire. (OMG GRANDDAD, THERE AIN’T EVEN NO MORE LIMEWIRE, GOSH. GET WITH IT, DADDIO).

But that’s okay! The other thing, I mean. Not the child porn. Child porn is never ‘okay’. You either love it or you hate it, I find. And I never find it, because I don’t use Limewire. (FFS, DAD!) It doesn’t matter that the technology is understood most by the young or the socially leprous; money is still what makes the world go around, and money is something that the grown-ups are in charge of. What has this got to do with writing? Well, if you want to sell your work, it has everything to do with it. If you want to sell to grown-ups, you don’t need to be down with the kids, or know any of the new lingo. If you still consider the way Will Smith speaks in The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air to be a bit modern, that’s totally, totally okay. As long as you can write incredibly bad BDSM stories where you pretend that you’re thin enough for a man to look at you without shitting kidneys out a hole in his face, you’re basically a millionaire already.

Don’t worry about a title for your book. No one reads the title any more. And a cover; do you really need one? I think you can get away without it, and I know my stuff. Content… do you need to have content? Not in the modern eBook, no. Just say ‘Inner Goddess’ a lot. And ‘clit-slap’. How about the writing? Well, that’s the least important bit. All the adult bestsellers today are written for a reading age of somewhere between Eight Years Old, and A Seal With Down’s Syndrome.

What I’m trying to say , is stop procrastinating! Do it now! Publish, publish, publish! I’ll be right behind you!

In about six months. Possibly seven.

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Author:

Self proclaimed author, cynic, saviour of humanity.

2 thoughts on “Gay Marriage, And How It Effects You’re Grammar

  1. ‘shitting kidneys out a hole in his face’ is my new favorite.

    I’m looking forward to making my dad purchase your book and reading all of it. <3.

    Also? FUCK THOSE NO TALENT CUNTS.

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