Posted in comedy, humor, humour, writing

Everyone Is An Idiot, Except You

Do you read? I don’t really read. I know that I should, but it’s very difficult to do, when I’m pretty sure that most books don’t have explosions or tits in them. Hopefully, with the advent of eReaders and Enhanced eBooks, soon we can have books that cover both explosions and tits. Maybe a few about exploding tits. Or tit explosions.

I have to buy The Sun newspaper every morning this week, because my daughter wants the free Lego toy. I’m not the only one; there are queues right around the corner before nine each morning; hordes of desperate Breeders, trying to get Summink For Nuffink. I actually can’t bring myself to pay for the fucking thing in public, though. I’ve been buying a porn mag, and hiding the newspaper underneath it, so only the cashier knows my dirty little secret.

I’m not being a snob, btw; my family have bought The Sun for most of my life; I used to buy it too. That’s where most of my stupidity comes from.Well, it’s like 30p, innit. And tits! Today the front page has FURY AS DRINK-DRIVE KILLER GOALKEEPER JOINS SWINDON TOWN, OLD WOMAN GETS RABIES and EUROPE’S SEXIEST FEMALE POLITICIANS. I shit you not. My brother no longer reads it, or the Daily Star. He buys the Daily Express, because he thinks it’s somehow less of an abomination. Also, because he’s the one who has Maddy.

I usually read the Guardian, but that’s only slightly better than any of the rest. Sure, it’s more intelligent and less agenda-driven. Yeah, it has Charlie Brooker. Affirmative, the sports section is not all about soccer. It’s a Liberal newspaper, though; and that means it’s read by my Extreme-Liberal Friends, who delight me every day on Facebook, with their hilariously biased and hypocritical graphs, and their Preaching To The Converted articles about how Hating People Is Actually, Like, Wrong, Yanno? or other such blindingly obvious statements, designed to make them look like better people. They’re as bad as my Extreme-Conservative Friends. If I had any of those.

I think the point I’m trying to make here, is that reading is wrong. Reading books makes you gay and Muslim, and reading newspapers makes you racist and homophobic. You are better off sticking with reading the back of cereal packets, and the strip on your latest pregnancy test.

None of this blog is intended to be taken as fact, opinion or humour. I am just fucking with you, because I’m bored.

‘Okay, wait… so it’s “First- suck stuff; Second- Get famous”? Cool, I was just double checking.’


Self proclaimed author, cynic, saviour of humanity.

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