I used to be much more of a cunt. I know that’s hard to believe, but bear with me. There’s a bear with me. I’m not sure if he can hear us, so keep your voice down and call the emergency services. Tell them ‘It’s a bear!’; they’ll know what to do.
Anyway, yes. We are all cunts, by default. When in the Bible, they talk of us being born with Original Sin, that’s what they mean. ‘How am I a cunt, though?’ I hear you ask. Oh, in so many ways.
– the way you think that your stupid uninformed opinions matter
– the way you think that your custom is valued by some business that fucked you over
– the way you think that your taste in music, books or movies makes you a better person
– the way you think that your jokes about popular culture haven’t been done before
– the way you think that you’re ‘edgy’ because you once watched Baise Moi
– the way you wear your hat
– the way you sip your tea
– the memory of all that
– No, no they can’t take that away from me.
They can’t take that a-waaaay, from me. The point is, we are all born cunts, born of cunt and born to be cunts. We’re insignificant drains on the Earth’s resources, and none of us matter until we decide to make a contribution. Do you make a contribution? You probably think that you do, but you don’t. Sharing a link about AIDS awareness on your Facebook page isn’t making a contribution. Giving money to UNICEF isn’t making a contribution. You’re thinking about contributions in the way that stupid people think of them.
Stupid people are stupid. Ever hear a stupid person complain about tax money going to build opera houses and art galleries? Their point is always the same- ‘MONEY SHOULD BE GOING TO BUILD MORE SCHOOLS AND HOSPITALS’, they cry. Funny really, because the sort of people who say shit like that are the sort of people who ruined my experience in School, by slowing the rest of the class down with their mong brains. They’re also the sort of people who tend to put people in Hospital a lot, via a hilarious stabbing incident outside KFC at 2.30 in the morning, after nightclub chucking out time.
The contribution you should make, is a creative one. I spent far too much of my life criticising other people’s shitty books, TV programmes, films, newspapers, body mass indexes, children and penis girths. I myself contributed nothing. That ain’t right. You need to contribute, otherwise you are nothing. You should do it now. Don’t say, ‘Oh, I would, but I don’t have any talent!’ Firstly, talent isn’t needed. Name me five famous people off the top of your head; how many of them are talented? Secondly, you don’t need to be creative in the conventional ways. You can do it in other, more modern ways:
– Tweet a hilarious hashtag about a current event! If you can’t think of anything humorous or clever, don’t worry. No one is going to fucking notice. Steal something from Sickipedia. Or just retweet something from N-Dubz! Put #funny at the end, without a hint of irony!
-Make a YouTube video response to something, on a £14 webcam, with the worst possible lighting imaginable! Wear clothes that make you fat, put no effort into the preparation. Say ‘um’ and ‘ah’ and ‘basically’ about four hundred times. Over-react to any totally justified criticism that you receive!
– Write a review for imdb.com! Use the sort of gauche, overwrought English that would make a fourteen year old female diarist proud. Repeat phrases that you’ve seen in real movie reviews, but use them in the wrong context, because you don’t understand them. Tell everyone that you’ve ‘never written a review’ before, but you ‘simply had to talk about this film’. Act like anyone other than your Mum actually gives a flying fuck about your badly punctuated, hilariously pedestrian, adverb-heavy, low-rent Gene Siskel, piece-of-shit opinion!
One day, you’ll look back at today, and thank me for changing your life.
You’re welcome, in advance!