Posted in comedy, humor, humour, writing

Tom!? What Do I Put In The Bit That Says ‘Enter Title Here’?

So I’m designing a cover; and choosing a title, actually. I mean, I thought I had a title, but it turns out that I didn’t, because it wasn’t any good. This is why I have a girlfriend; she knows stuff. She’s very good at being objective, and giving a professional opinion. Even if she didn’t work in books, she probably would be good at this anyway. I know this because, before I met her, I was totally convinced that I was The Most Awesome Man On Earth. More fool, me! Turns out I was an spastic of the most spasticated order. She pretty much met me just in time to save me. That’s why you should have a girlfriend. That, and the blow-jobs.

Designing a cover is a crazy business. No, it isn’t. Nothing is a crazy business, apart from possibly Mental Health, and Everything, If You’re Dutch. I have no particular graphic design skills, but then neither do graphic designers. It’s just one of those professions you can do when you find yourself in that predicament of My Parents Can Afford To Send Me To University, But I’m Technically A Fucking Retard. That was a bit harsh. I’m going to expand that definition, to include all art courses.  But, before I can design the cover, I have to pick a name. Remember? It’s up there, if you’ve forgotten.

Choosing a name is a crazy business. The best thing about it, is you don’t have to be original. In fact, be as unoriginal as possible. You want people to remember the name of your book; how easy is it to remember something that you’ve already heard before? It’s 116% easy, that’s how easy. But, what if someone is searching for a different book with the same title, and they end up looking at yours? Then FREE ADVERTISING, BITCH. That’s commerce.

Nothing is original any more, anyway. The title I’ve chosen is actually the same title as a book that’s sold three million copies, but I don’t care. My book isn’t about baseball; no one’s going to be too confused. And if they are, let them buy my book by accident. It’s all right. No one died. Anyway, I stole the title of my book from a pop song that came out in 1984. Although, their book came out before that pop song, so the pop song probably stole the name from that book too. See? Crime is okay if EVERYONE is doing it! That’s how, holocaust.

A cover, though. A sexy, eye-catching cover. The beauty of ePublishing is that you can design a really elaborate cover; with photographs and millions of colours, and whatnot. You know, because there’s no printing overheads. The thing is, though; I still want my cover to be classy and iconic, rather than all garish and gimmicky. This is entirely down to my girlfriend, again; if I don’t make a cover that’s as subtle and refined as she is, those blow-jobs are going to dry up pretty sharpish. Not literally; she’s not going to start giving me dry blow-jobs. They’re just going to stop happening. Damn it, now I want a dry blow-job.

The horrifying truth of the matter, though (all dry blow-jobbing aside for a minute) is that the title and the cover will make me more sales than the content or the quality of the writing ever will. This is THE INTERNET, remember. The internet is like a sieve, where intelligence is water, and fucktardedness is freshly boiled rice. The internet is how Fifty Shades Of Grey happened; the internet is to blame for shaycarl.com; the internet bit Charlie’s finger. In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. In the internet, all the one-eyed men are blind in that eye, they want you to hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife and 3,548,008 people like Stop The Use Of Live Dogs As Shark Bait.

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Author:

Self proclaimed author, cynic, saviour of humanity.

9 thoughts on “Tom!? What Do I Put In The Bit That Says ‘Enter Title Here’?

  1. I self taught myself graphic design in my teens. So nyah.

    (granted my skills are now obsolete, but that’s neither here nor there.)

  2. Oh dammit. I looked up Fifty Shades. Don’t look at me like that; I was in denial. After reading the Wiki entry, I’m still rather in denial. Twilight. Can I have italics please? /Twilight spawned/. There. You get the point.

    It pains me to know that Twilight fanfiction has gotten the book deal when I’ve read so many other fanfics of other fandoms that have been pure wonder and yet never asked for a penny.

    I don’t know whether to smack the author or congratulate her for the fantastic rug pull she has accomplished. Damn. [bitter, bitter, bitter me]

  3. I’m tempted to publish a book entitle . Then I can beg you to let me out this entry in the foreword.

    1. Wow. I fail teh interwebs. Tge blank before the period said insert title here with the greater than less than signs around it. Apparently it mistook that for a formatting tag and omitted it.

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