Posted in comedy, humor, humour, Uncategorized, writing

Diagnosis, Rimming: A Dr. House Gay Sex Novel

So, I’ve been reading some bad erotic fiction. How bad? Take the worst Reader’s Letter you’ve ever seen in a porn mag; now, make it less sexy. Turn it into a novel. Make that novel about four hundred pages too long. Finally, translate it into a sort of primitive, forgotten hieroglyphic that was last used by an ancient tribe of thirteen-year olds who could only think of words that ended in ‘ly’. Yeah, that book; the one with the neck tie.

It’s already tired and hackneyed to attack E.L. James’ writing style, but when has that ever stopped me? Even the name… it unfairly evokes thoughts of Henry James, who is doing fucking somersaults in his grave as I type this. It’s not that it’s bad writing. It’s so bad, that it immediately elbows you out of the narrative and back into your own sitting room; where you lament the lack of even the smallest speck of literary maturity. There’s a point in every budding author’s journey when they have to face the fact that their writing voice hasn’t changed since they were in High School, and they must junk all the adverbs and unnecessary description, in order to embrace the cults of brevity and conciseness. Those are the things that make your favourite writers’ words flow, without ever making you think ‘JESUS CUNTING CHRIST, SOMEONE PAYS HER TO DO THIS?’

Should E.L. James’ massive success depress you, Mr Budding Hemingway? Not at all. Especially if you’re coming with me on the magical mystical Self-Publishing roller coaster roundabout of a taxi drive that is Kindle Direct Publishing. It should encourage you, because it goes to show that sometimes agents can get it wrong. Sometimes publishing houses who refuse to take a risk, end up cursing their luck.  Mrs James’ incredible success with her fuck-awful Twilight fan-fiction, that has feminists aghast, and people who can actually read a-vomiting, is a good thing. It’s another shot in the arm for the Self-Published writer, in the battle against Big Publishing. She may be the worst thing to have ever happened to humanity, but she’s opening the door for shit writers everywhere. That’s you!

I think the success of this trilogy has turned the industry on its head, and shown that the agent’s or the publisher’s opinion on your work is in no way a final judgement, and you should persevere. That way, you and I can sit in denial about our shit manuscripts, and pretend that everyone else is wrong, and we are right. Dong! Dong! Dong! Will you look at that! Big Ben’s five minutes slow again. Silly clock!

Yeah, I know; Big Ben is the bell, not the clock. Go have some sex; you’ll feel much better.

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Author:

Self proclaimed author, cynic, saviour of humanity.

6 thoughts on “Diagnosis, Rimming: A Dr. House Gay Sex Novel

  1. Well, I for one utterly refuse. The sample pages on Amazon were enough to make me say hell no, right after I vomited in my mouth a teensy bit.

    I’ll stick with my graphic novels of a cancelled television show, thank you. Oh, and I guess Baz’s thing. If he tells us the title so I can find it.

  2. i like how you’ve tagged this in both ‘Cunt’ and ‘cunts’. got to cover those base bases. tone spares nothing either – good job sir – wait, are you a sir? looks like it as far as pictures go.

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