Posted in comedy, humor, humour, Uncategorized, writing

They Didn’t Reject My Work, They Rejected Me

Finally! Some acknowledgement that someone has read my partial manuscript. Read it and fucking hated it, yes. Still, though. I received a lovely, impersonal circular rejection email today, from a well known literary agent. Most of the email body was taken up by them apologising for the email being so impersonal and circular. The rest was basically a series of jibes about my nationality, my skin colour and  how terrible I am at sex. A bit much, if you ask me, but what do I know? That’s probably just standard fare in the world of bookage and literariating.

I sort of feel like a real writer, now that I’ve been told to go fuck myself by an agent. A real writer, or a failed writer. That’s still better than a wannabe writer. I cannot hear that word without associating the person with a penchant for zig-a-zig-aahhhh. That said, Geri Halliwell and Victoria Beckham have written more books than I have. If by ‘written’ you mean ‘not written at all’. There’s probably a lot of money in ghost writing. Society feels the need to have the pretty people at the front, while the uglies do all the work in the background. That’s just how it has to be; you can’t have it the other way around. Otherwise, Billy Joel.

It’s okay to be rejected, I guess. JK Rowling’s manuscript was turned down by all the publishers until one finally took a chance on her. How the others must have kicked themselves for turning down Untitled Wizard Schoolboy Novel One. The exec at Decca Records rejected The Beatles, telling them something like ‘LOL GUITARS ARE FUCKING SHIT! I AM GOING TO WAIT UNTIL REM RELEASE AUTOMATIC FOR THE PEOPLE, OR UNTIL THE MEMBERS OF THE BAND ‘KEANE’ ARE BORN LOL’. I’m paraphrasing, slightly.

So, just like a massive fat bitch with an internet picture of Marilyn Monroe shot from an angle that makes her not look like she had a twenty three inch waist, I can cling onto the slimmest of straws that says Maybe I’m Just So Brilliant That They Can’t See It!!!!! In reality, it’s back to the drawing board. I’n going to remove the phrase ‘back to the drawing board’ in the third draft; don’t worry.

My manuscript itself is still not completely ready, so there’s still plenty of work to do before I offer up something that is actually 100% me. Then, the rejections may actually prompt suicide. In the meantime, I’m continuing to work on my new book. And by ‘continuing to work’, I mean ‘sitting on my arse, drinking cheap energy drinks and making paedophile rape cot death jokes on Mumsnet.



Self proclaimed author, cynic, saviour of humanity.

13 thoughts on “They Didn’t Reject My Work, They Rejected Me

  1. Apparently, that daft prick has no ability to grasp the genious of Barry. Otherwise, he’d have effing loved it.

  2. *snort* Love the attitude you’ve got going. Yeah… Pouring out your soul into a blank white page of pixels takes a lot out of you. Then to have it rejected… Ugh.

    That said, I haven’t a single rejection paper to point at, but that’s for obvious reasons. Been writing, haven’t even considered sending it anywhere (it’s just raw material after all). I’ll think about it eventually. I’m sure I’ve got a friend somewhere that could use the paper for fire starters.

    Anyway, thanks for dropping by. Good luck!

  3. Rejection letters can only most eloquently be described as “suckage”.

    Yours sounds especially sucky, though. No one has a right to attack the essence of youness. Attack plot, syntax, or thé author’s decision to spend ten chapters expounding upon the merits of oral hygiene for vampires, sure…but not the author himself (off topic rant: why are there no consistent gender neutral pronouns?).

    Keep writing. Keep sending things off. It’ll pay off eventually. I am looking forward to my posthumous literary successes. ;p

  4. Thanks, Ashley. Don’t worry, I was just joking. They were perfectly polite, if not particularly personal.

    If I just told the truth all the time about the process of writing/publishing, this would be a very unfunny blog! Thank you for reading 🙂

  5. Okay, so I tried to comment earlier. But… my computer didn’t want to cooperate and there was this silly ‘log in to continue’ stipulation (I don’t KNOW what that was about, heaven forbid I do that). But anyway, digressing.

    You, sir, are funny. Very much so. And I completely agree with a good chunk of that *points* Not all, but if I did, then things would get boring very fast. *shakes head and tips glass of… random spiked coffee at you* I wish you the best of luck in further attempts at fandom, and might I suggest you check out Curiosity Quills? They are a publisher, and while they are new, they are also pretty honorable, as far as I know.

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