Posted in comedy, humor, humour, Uncategorized, writing

No Cocks Please, We Are Under Eighteen

I’ve started writing a novel that’s aimed at teens/young adults, because it’s where the money is, basically. The same way all movies that come out now are PG-13, with their own line of toys, the biggest selling books are the ones aimed at people a little too young for cigarettes, and a little too old for me to be bathing them. Writing for that age group is kind of like writing for actual adult humans, but there are a few things that you have to do differently.

Sex: Your characters don’t have sex, they don’t want to have sex, they don’t talk about sex. Unless you’re a female writer; then it’s fine. Talk about it all you like, and even let them do it. After they get married. To a vampire. And then it instantly makes them get pregnant. And die. But, if you’re a man, no sex. You paedophile.

Swearing: Nope, you can’t have anyone do that. There are teenagers alive in this world whose only purpose is to create new swear words, like ‘clunge’, ‘barse’ or ‘flelmet’, but your hero has to stick to expletives as diverse as ‘fiddlesticks’ and ‘darn it’.

Violence: This is less damaging to young minds than THE HORRORS OF REPRODUCTIVE CROTCH GRINDING, so you can have a fair bit of blood, killing and that sort of thing. No rape, though. Rape may very well be a crime of power, and not one of sex. But, it does involve a fair bit of sex, and there’s an outside chance that the woman being raped might end up enjoying it (women are, after all, whores), so it’s best not to risk it.

Drugs: Can be mentioned, but not in a way that might be seen as instructional, and you must make sure that anyone partaking of said drugs meets a horrifying, sticky end; with no exception. Just like in real life.

Homosexuality: You can’t mention this, because if you do, you’ll turn children into gays. There are plenty of scientific studies to back this up. Lesbianism, although a lighter and sort of hot form of gaying, is also not allowed. Anyone in your story who has any sort of queer thoughts, or sympathy for the plight of these sodomites, should always be killed off in a very dramatic and memorable way. Try having them fall down a lift shaft, or be eaten by stoats.

So, why all these restrictions? Well, it would be too easy to blame America, or Christianity. The real culprit here, is the general public. That’s who publishers sell to, and that’s who they need to please. When people get all offended at stuff, they might say that it’s because they’re a Christian, or a Muslim, or whichever; but it’s usually just because they are A Cunt Who Gets Offended About Stuff. Religion is just an excuse used by cuntish people to excuse how cuntish they are. Being A Cunt Who Gets Offended About Stuff is non-denominational; you can be white, black, yellow or brown. Chinese, Belgian, American or French. You can be Christian, Buddhist, Shinto or B’Hai.

Sure, 99% of the time, you’re a White, a Christian or an American, but that’s just statistics. They can prove anything with statistics. Especially ones that are true.

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Author:

Self proclaimed author, cynic, saviour of humanity.

10 thoughts on “No Cocks Please, We Are Under Eighteen

  1. I don’t really get your comment about homosexuality seeing as there’s an entire (and rather successful) subgenre of GLBT fiction that’s been around for several years now.

  2. I’m pretty sure that the entire blog was just me being facetious. It’s rarely not.

    Do they have LGBT fiction for teens/kids? I’m very happy to hear that, to be honest. The post was more about poking fun at big, commercial teen fiction which is geared toward film and TV adaptation 🙂

    Thank you for commenting.

    1. Well yeah, I knew you were being silly. Just felt I should point it out anyway. XD

      Yeah, if you poke around Amazon you can find lots of LGBT YA stuff these days. Most of it’s as cheesy as its heterosexual counterpart, and a lot of it has succumbed to the dreaded Paranormal Romance label, but it’s there.

      1. There is nothing gayer than paranormal romance; that’s the truth 🙂 Thank you for the info!

        I worked in a library once, and there was a series about a vampire Robin Hood, who romanced the ladies. It was called ‘Darkyn’, if I’m not mistaken. I haven’t read it though, so it might be the greatest work of fiction in existence.

  3. Is this strict No-Cocks policy the reason why you are only shown in your profile photo from the waist up?

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