Posted in comedy, humor, humour, Uncategorized, writing

If Paradise Is Half As Nice As Kevin’s Tattoo, Take Me Tool

When someone invented twitter, they might have been forgiven for thinking that a medium which forces people to express themselves in 140 characters or less would usher in a new age of brevity and conciseness: people would cut out all the unnecessary adverbs and superlatives, and concentrate instead on the words and phrases that harboured the most meaning. Social Media was about to experience its renaissance, with twitter.com its Da Vinci.

What a fucking disappointment when everyone just rote lyk dis iNsted.

So I have 20,000 good words, which I’ve managed to turn into two whole chapters. I’m attempting Chapter Three now, and hopefully this will be the one where Stuff Actually Happens. The most revelatory thing I’ve uncovered while converting this mess of hand-written prose into legible, agent-friendly type, is that I am a long-winded, over-explainy, self-indulgent ponce. Revelatory to me, I mean. You knew this ages ago.

Really, though; I have no clue at all why Handwriting Me thought any of this shit might be usable in a final draft. I’ve been running a pen through acres of navel-gazing, stream of conciousness shite, and I’m not even sad to see it go. Note to self, re: James Joyce- You are not James Joyce*.

I seem to have got caught in a cycle of having my characters do nothing at all, but overthink everything ad nauseum, while at the same time being being enthralled by their own pedestrian self-eulogising. Can’t think where that came from, really.

Luckily, I’ve caught it before it went too far, and I’m re-editing and chopping as I go. Hopefully, I can retain the integrity of the piece; just now with a bit more pace, plotting and relevance. I still believe in the project, the characters, and my own unique vision. I just think some changes were needed, to make it saleable. After all, what’s the point in writing your magnum opus, if you’re the only one who’s ever going to read it?

That’s my forthcoming book, Diary Of A Wimpy Werewolf 3: Post Apocalyptic  Gameshow And The Philosopher’s Vampire, available soon, for your Kindlepad.

*(apologies to Armstrong and Bain, Peep Show Series 3)

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Author:

Self proclaimed author, cynic, saviour of humanity.

3 thoughts on “If Paradise Is Half As Nice As Kevin’s Tattoo, Take Me Tool

  1. *The most revelatory thing I’ve uncovered while converting this mess of hand-written prose into legible, agent-friendly type, is that I am a long-winded, over-explainy, self-indulgent ponce.*

    Actual LOL. You missed out talented btw.

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