What is this; the fifth one? I am like well prolific. Speaking of which, the manuscript is coming along well. I’m at that stage where I’m rewriting things from six months ago, and laughing at how shit I was then. I’m still shit, there’s just different degrees of shit. Imagine Piers Morgan was in a Wetherspoons, and he was covered in excrement. This has nothing to do with my point; I just want you to imagine it.
I sort of want to be a stand-up comedian, sometimes. Mainly, I just want people to tell me that I could be one; actually doing it seems a bit too much like hard work, and you know how I hate hard work. Or any work. Comedians are getting better looking, aren’t they? That just won’t do, really. I’d like to blame Russell Brand, but he’s not the culprit. Ol’ Russ might have the ability to wet gussets at a hundred paces, but he also has to the decency to look ridiculous; like a spider made of soot and pipe cleaners.
No, these new comedians are fair of face, large of hair, and skinny of jean. They look more like rock stars than comedians. Of course, I mean the rock stars of today; not Nikki Sixx, or Jim Morrison. Think Empire Of The Sun, or Owl City. Comedy is frequently accused of being ‘the new rock and roll’, which is actually pretty accurate now, because today’s Rock And Roll is an immense, moisturised scrotum; with soft, GHD’d pubes.
The main thing that stands out about these new comedians (apart from their cuff-legged, off-mustard, slim-chino fit trousers), is the fact that they aren’t funny. You’d think Being Funny might be an integral part of comidianning, but what the hell do you know? You’ve never even used a Tweeter, Granddad. There was a female comedian on last night, that looked like Pamela Anderson. Not once did she make some self-deprecating jokes about being pretty, or the fact that she was probably a slut. I have no idea what they are teaching girls in school these days. Germaine Greer is literally spinning in her grave.
Funny is not supposed to be Pretty. Pretty and Funny are different members of the group; Funny has to be funny, because he wasn’t born pretty. Pretty doesn’t have to be funny, because everyone wants to fuck her. Funny sits at the back of the class and makes jokes about Pretty. That’s just how shit is.