Posted in comedy, humor, humour, Uncategorized, writing

No One Says ‘Quim’ These Days

So, you think you want to be a writer? Should that sentence have had a question mark; this one might have? We will literally never know. Today I am going to cover my genitals in peanutbutter. This will be on the test.

Icles.

Are you too old to be a writer? No, you’re usually too young. Frank McCourt was about seventy-two when he wrote Angela’s Ashes; that explains why most of it is an outright lie. He might have been seventy-two; I haven’t done the research. Either way, he’s dead now, which I think is a lesson to us all.
Ernest Hemingway said a lot of things; I can’t think of any off the top of my head, but I bet they were really clever. That man could rock a moustache.

‘Rock’ as a verb; that’s one of those Grammatical STDs that we’ve picked up from the Yanks. Makes no sense at all, which is no surprise. I could care less about their raping of the English language. Still though, they have given us Kim Kardashian, so we mustn’t bite the hand that feeds.

The main obstacle people face, when trying to be a writer, is that they are shit at it. That, and the fact that no one gives a fuck what they have to say. Don’t let things like that stop you! They certainly never stopped Katie Price.

Finding your niche is another thing that people tend to overlook as important. It’s easy to find Katie Price’s niche. Although it’s probably less of a niche these days; more of a ham corridor.

Writing for kids is something that a lot of people try first, as they erroneously believe that it will be easier than writing for adults. On the contrary, it’s actually much more difficult to write sixteen words, than it is to write sixteen thousand. Well, it is if you’re Katie Price.

I have 13,000 words in my current draft; I want it to be 40,000 words by the middle of February, then 30,000 by the beginning of March. If you don’t understand what I mean by that, you might be at an earlier stage of development than I am.

Not to worry, friend! More information can be found at bottleguy.com

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Self proclaimed author, cynic, saviour of humanity.

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