Have you ever thought what the world would be like if Russell Crowe had had Russell Brand’s career, and vice versa? Well, you have now.
This is only my third blog post, and already the response has been quite underwhelming! Emails, texts, letters, phone calls: I have had literally none of those. But if I had, they’d probably have been asking questions like these-
Q: Hey, dude! Why is it called ‘1% Perspiration’ lol?
A: Because you’re a fucking idiot.
Q: In today’s fast-moving world of micro-blogging and flash-mobbing, don’t you think ‘onepercentperspiration’ will be a bit of a struggle to remember?
A: Only if you’re a fucking idiot.
Q: Isn’t the ITV2 show ‘Celebrity Juice’ brilliant? Bang tidy, lol.
A: No. It is not.
Q: If you were a biscuit, which biscuit would you be?
A: You’re getting ridiculous now.
Q: I’ve been trying to be a writer for years, myself. I can’t seem to get anywhere! Why do you think this is?
A: Because you have no talent, you have no ideas, and you really, really use far too many unnecessary words in your own personal sentences that you write.
Q: Is Piers Morgan a cunt?
A: Is the Pope a bear?
Q: I find the white text on black backdrop very distracting, mainly because I have running water, electricity and enough food to eat.
A: You’ve answered your own question there, I think.
Q: Who do you fancy in the FA cup this year?
A: Craig Bellamy. Lovely arse on him.
Q: Any tips on writing a great blog?
Q: If you had to, which one would you do: Kate McCann, or Karen Matthews?
A: Matthews every time; she looks like she knows how to party. Anally.
Q: How’s the novel coming on?
A: What was that about biscuits again?