Whenever someone on TV says ‘my next guest needs no introduction…’ they invariably follow it with an introduction. This is because everyone on TV is a fucktard.
Hello and welcome to my blog. People say that on TV as well, don’t they? ‘Hello and welcome to…’ when you’re not actually there. You’re in your front room, fiddling with your sack. So, just ‘Hello’, then.
Often, the weblog is something Pointless Cunts use, to share their Amazing Opinions On Stuff, or A Bunch Of Not Very Exciting Shit That Happens To Them. Well, this one is different. I have cancer, and I will be chronicling my Brave Struggle Against This Terrible Disease. There will be a paypal account at the end, so you can send me money, which I will piss up the wall on whores and blow.
I don’t actually have cancer, obviously. That isn’t even funny. Well, if it happened to me, it wouldn’t be funny. If it happened to you, it’d be hilarious. As Woody Allen once said, ‘Comedy is just cancer that happens to someone else.’
No, this will be used to record my attempts to break into Writing For A Living. I’ll try to keep it not shit; I’ll keep the Stuff Where I Talk About My Personality Traits As If There Weren’t Millions Of People Just Like Me to a minimum, and I will regularly post photographs of my schlong.
Writing is a crowded field, with so much competition. People tell me this all the time. The thing is: the reason it’s so crowded, is that Pretty Much Every Cunt Who Has Read A Book Thinks He Could Write One. If all publishing companies took unsolicited manuscripts, it would take you the best part of a decade before anyone even glanced at the first page of your magnificent final draft for ‘Percy Merlin And The Sequel-Friendly Franchise’. Go into your local library, and you’ll see about 50,000 books; about eleven of them are actually worth reading. Book publishers don’t buy genius; they buy things that retards will want to read. Retards like you.
So, what should you do? Get an agent, apparently. I have been meaning to get round to doing this; since about 1997. I’m not one for Actually Doing Things, but I’m assured that this is part of my charm. I want to write for adults, but also for kids. I probably could have phrased that better; it was a little redundant. These are the sort of things you notice, when you’re a writer like I am. It’s all about attention too detail.